Many apologies for the gap in these edits. The last I think was the 10th of January? I am not sure how to cram everything in but because I have been ill for 2 weeks I am thinking we just skip over that portion? There is vlog footage from the last few weeks should you prefer visual aids, if not, grab a drink (I fear this may be a long one) and let’s have a catch up.
So from about 17th my stomach starting hurting, and I had constant nausea. Turned out I had/have gastritis accompanied by a few stomach ulcers. I have been put back on omeprazole, it works-ish. And a diet of bland food and gaviscon. I took a little time off work. Watched Netflix and definitely chilled. It seemed to start working about 4 days in, and overall I am starting to feel better and my tummy is healing. He said it would take about a month. Not ideal when you have a 30th coming up…
Even though I was poorly it was important for me to still push myself, so on days that I felt good we went out for a little drive, food shopping or other such mundane things. It is the mundane every tasks that I used to struggle with and sometimes, they are the biggest hurdles on anxiety days.
I wasn’t going to mention this but why wouldn’t I? When I visited the doctor he checked me over regarding my stomach and then he always asks me how my mental health is. I told him that I had finished my CBT and it was now all about pushing myself further. He looked back in my medical records and was surprised to see I hadn’t tried anti-depressants for anxiety. Usually they are used in conjunction with CBT as they make you more receptive and the exposure therapy a little easier. He prescribed me a month of Sertraline, and gave me a bunch of links to sites, research papers and studies. He knows me.
I was curious as to why he would prescribed these drugs now, after I am slowly coming out of my anxiety cloud. He said it was because they can help give you the little boost needed to take you to the next level. So I keep by beta blockers for physical symptoms, and the Sertraline will help with a few of the mental ones. In the grand scheme of things my anxiety is pretty good right now. My daily worries are subsiding and it only seems to appear situationally when I am exposing myself.
I have decided to think on a little more, as you get worse for a few weeks before your brain adjusts to the new levels of chemicals and then you will ultimately feel better. Or that is the theory. Part of me thinks I have come this far without them, so maybe they aren’t needed? If you have had these and don’t mind discussing please let me know. Private email/DM I don’t mind.
It was back to bed and resting. I watched the second season of Schitts Creek (I love it so much) Apple Tree Yard, Shooter, Unforgotten (amazing also), Riverdale, A Series of Unfortunate Events, and many a wonderful 90s action film.
By the 30th of January I was starting to feel much better! YAY! I cobbled a little bit of work together to keep me afloat then told my girls I need a week off properly then I will be back. They were wonderful and held down the blog. By that Friday, I think the 3rd Feb I was up early, walking the dog and feeling my usual self.
We went for a curry with sister and partners, being on my bland diet still I had mushroom rice and some saag aloo.
That Saturday (Feb 4) Michael left early to go to Leeds Audi (still a little too far in to the scary bit of the city for me) and picked up a Q5. We had a deal that when I started going out in the car more we would upgrade to something slightly bigger, and unfortunately for him, something slower. I don’t like feeling claustrophobic in the car and I thought that was part of my travel anxiety. Welllllll. We picked up this huge 4×4 thing and actually, the TT is bigger in the front than the Q5. Yes it is taller, it has actual seats in the back and a large boot. But the bit I am interested in felt smaller and a lot less luxurious. We gave it back on the Sunday and went for a drive straight away, and getting back in it made me feel comfortable. So it looks like we are sticking with a 2 seater.
If you can recommend a spacious feeling larger car then let me know!
Feb 5 – a little brunch date, picked up something yummy and tidied the house.
The week was spent playing catch up and sorting various things for the house. The bathroom is next. Argh.
Then at the weekend, if I was feeling good I decided to do something fun. Friday night I treated myself to a facemask. I bought this one from Beauty Bay, lovvveee it! I also picked up some new skincare from The Ordinary and some Mario Badescu but I will do a better review on these when I have used them a little more. The main difference I noticed was my hair. Being in bed a lot over the past couple of weeks I felt my hair was looking meh so bought a cheap hair mask thinking it won’t be life changing but may give it a little boost. Well this little thing from Garnier has worked wonders, my hair is so silky and shiny! I have been using it twice a week for the past 3 weeks and its made such a difference!
Saturday morning I woke feeling a little iffy. Wasn’t sure if I was going to go through with my plan. At this point I hadn’t told Michael as I feel like there is more pressure then. I do this a lot. He is so wonderful, he just goes with it. I decided to have a chill day, we popped to the supermarket for some lunch bits, watch the rugby with his dad then went for dinner at his mums. Sunday, I got you. WE ARE DOING IT.
Sunday – first thing was the food shop. We popped up to M&S around 1ish. The place that I wanted to go to closed at 4. We also wanted a decent walk with the dog. A quick food shop, and some food for Michael, it was time to suggest my plan. I wanted to go in to town, in the day, and get my ears pierced. He said cool, let’s go. Shit. Well, that meant I was actually going. Second step…get in to town.
We parked in my beloved multi storey car parked and walked to The Corn Exchange to the piercers. Somewhere I have never been before. It was relatively busy with Sunday shoppers. The usual amount of city traffic, but I had psyched myself up so much to getting needles stabbed in my ears, the murmur of the city fell beside me. We arrived at The Corn Exchange, it is actually a really pretty building. Well done Leeds. I wanted Maria Tash a la Liberty London but nay. I was going to settle for a tattoo parlour in the North.
Well I went in, told him what I wanted (it was about 3pm at this point) and he asked me some questions. One of which was “when did you last eat”. The truth was I hadn’t eaten yet, I got up late so had only been up maybe 4 hours, and had a berocca and some smoothie. I felt anxious but fine…did I lie? No. I told him the truth. He said my blood sugar would be off and I may faint. REALLY. As a nearly 30 year old, who has never fainted, I know how I felt. I was certain I wouldn’t faint and I had even brought some food with me to have afterwards. He was like, you can go and get some food then come back. Firstly, on my bland diet plus gluten free, I had no idea where to get food. Secondly, I hate travelling on a full stomach due to my car sickness so that was never going to happen…
After all that pysching up! Nothing! I was very proud of myself for going but so gutted I couldn’t get it done. I am thinking try again this Sunday but have a bowl of boring porridge a couple of hours before, that will be fine right? After that we drove home, picked up the dog and went to a different park of the park for some fresh air (and exposure). We then settled in front of the fire and watched the rest of Unforgotten.
All in all, after all my upset tummy troubles it has actually been a good few weeks anxiety wise. The CBT has definitely helped, as have all of your lovely comments. I was so worried at first about putting all of this on the blog, let a lone a wedding blog, beautiful sanctuary of pretty inspiration. The last thing you need is some narcissistic blogger prattling on about their mental health issues. But is has helped me so much, so thank you.
Here’s to a productive week, a new bathroom, and some potentially pierced ears next weekend!
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